Fallen Again...

I wake up in the silence of a grey morning… Open my eyes to the nightmare of what is real. In the first moment I can’t even figure out where I am… I’ve just been dreaming of that place full of sunlight, where I’m not anymore… And the next moment I know everything and the sinister reality enters my heart causing pain, which is too heavy for me to endure… For some time I try to fall asleep again, refuse to abandon my blanket, which keeps me warm… But it can’t save me from the cold I feel inside… I don’t want to look out of the window or go anywhere... Then I hear the voice of the one, who once was so dear to me, but now seems a stranger… I’m not at home anymore! Shivering, I pick up my body from the bed. Hey, welcome back to monotony! Oh, I believed I’d never be the same again. They said it would change my life… Yes, I had been longing for changes! I couldn’t wait to break out of my ugly routine – and that’s what I’ve done. But now the party’s over - I’m back again… and I wasn’t prepared for this! Could I have imagined what was awaiting me?! Everybody expects me to express my emotions… But I’ve got no emotions at all! I can’t recall the details they’d like to hear… I don’t even want to speak – I’m lazy to open my mouth to say common things like “That was great!” Call me sullen or whatever you like... I know what I am, and I’ll probably never transform into anything different. I can try to feign, but it won’t last long either... I will have to lie to them that I’m OK… I'll smile and drop my eyes… I won’t reveal my pain to them, because they will never understand it! The point is, I made a wish and it suddenly came true… I found what I’d been looking for… But only for a little while! It was the main thing I desired when standing by the Wailing Wall… And now I’m only left to ask myself: why? Did it do me any good?? Why did I have to hurt the one who truly cares about me? Well, maybe, it's no more than just another obsessive autosuggestion of mine? And I will recover soon, won’t I?.. Yet there are still the jealous ones, who really think that I’m not alone… who think I’m lucky… Yes, I haven’t learnt how to appreciate the things I’ve got, the people around me... I’m never satisfied. I always want too much. I used to complain about every trifling thing. I always seek the impossible! I keep crying for the moon, no matter what… That’s my nature. I will never be happy in this world - I just don’t fit in. It's not about cities or countries, people or nations… it's about me. I won’t be original, saying that I want to return to that sunny place... I'm sure, everyone does! But in my case, there seems to be no other choice, because I don’t belong here! I choke and no one, nothing can help me this time…
No warmth, no consolation, no oblivion… No poetry, no music… Just an empty silence all around me and inside of me… Maybe, my cross is not so big as it seems, still I’ll have to bear it till the end of my days. I realize that the flow of time is too fast, and every feeling, every memory is fleeting… And I am no longer a young girl to be so foolish... One day I’ll look back at my past and won’t see anything… But what I need right now is to keep myself busy, find any other occupation, do what I love to, just to divert my thoughts from this frustrating love… Why is everything so simple for them and so complicated for me? Why is there no balance between the complete unfeelingness and feelings that are extremely strong?..