Coffee-grounds say I'm a winner...

What she told me is enough for me to go crazy. I need to calm down. I will never forget this day... Maybe I'm not supposed to talk about it here, but now I've nobody to talk to...

I don't have future here - and I knew that. All that she said about myself, and about too much care that has done me harm, I knew. But how to deal with and get over all his cheating and unfaithfulness, when she said it happened, but he keeps on denying everything? Honestly, I hoped that she would not say that...But the truth is cruel. And that I need to go in for martial arts, get away from here, meet the man who will love me and have children with him, because all that is here is not my destiny... That maybe sounds like all I wished for long ago, and I've been thinking about that a lot, but not now when I don't imagine cutting myself away from the person I think I'll always love, and separating from all my friends, and all the life that I'm used to...

It's so hard to understand that I need to stop playing these childish games and survive in the real world... I don't want to forget all that I've been through... I feel like my head is gonna burst and I have no one on my side, to trust in and to rely on... I've lost so much time and I knew it too! I don't know what to do, where to start! Is it true that I'm special? That I can do whatever is interesting and important for me, all the things I consider wonderful and dangerous, without being afraid to perish or fail? If I only could turn my fate in such a way that he could be the one who's meant for me, and we could leave this country for a better future, together... How can I hold back from revealing my feelings to him? And is there a reason to conceal it all? If I only knew what to do in order not to make new terrible mistakes!!! In theory, I can have all I wish, I can make all my dreams come true... I have some big mission to complete, but maybe God was wrong to entrust it to me and I'm gonna mess it up... In practice, there are only lost opportunities, and it’s killing me day by day…

Transcendence... the movie I had watched right before I met her, is it all connected? Are there signs which I don't see? This totally blows my mind...

So now I'll be trying to write here something every day. I don't feel like creating a new blog at any other hosting, because I prefer to remain loyal to this one, which I've had for 8 years. I just thought about expressing my thoughts in something like a diary, which could be read not only by me - although I doubt that anyone ever reads this blog, but at least this is what will remain when I'm gone... however, who cares.

Yesterday I staked 100 UAH on Netherlands team that played in semifinal, and I lost. Am I disappointed? Well, I guess I had sensed that I wouldn't be lucky this time, but still I did it. Like I always do when I know I'm gonna lose... But this bad luck is so insignificant that I don't wanna dwell upon it.  What really matters is the fact that nothing happens in my life. I mean, nothing pleasant or thrilling. Because of my scars, because of my stupid behavior and constant depressive style, and many awful things I said and did, which are irreversible, I've probably became repulsive for many people and made my own life a lonely misery. Now there is no one left to come and save me anymore... And I don't wanna be a trouble for anyone. Lately I've been listening to God Is An Astronaut, this wonderful ambient music that I like to plunge into, without any words or screams, just images that allow me to be carried away, to travel in space and time... This perfect alienation, estrangement, I dissolve in it, feeling so at home, so painfully good... And I think about you, I remember you singing yesterday... I didn't care if it wasn't well enough, I just felt dizzy and I wanted to sing along with you but I was afraid and shy, no matter how drunk I was... Later I will listen to that song and recall those moments of sitting close to you, talking bullshit, and suffer because perhaps I will never be able to say all that I feel to your face, the more so because you don't need this truth, you don't care, and it shows everytime I see you or write to you... It's been 4 years, and apparently I'll never stop feeling this for you, it's just impossible to stop a feeling that was so strong and deep, I think I've never loved anyone more than I've loved you... It's understandable that I'm unworthy of being yours, but that will never prevent me from dreaming... I'll be alone, because I'm not able to fall in love with someone else, therefore I don't want to make attempts to start anything new. And you... Do you feel the same about her? Are you waiting for her?.. I hope you will find a mutual love...