Coffee-grounds say I'm a winner...

What she told me is enough for me to go crazy. I need to calm down. I will never forget this day... Maybe I'm not supposed to talk about it here, but now I've nobody to talk to...

I don't have future here - and I knew that. All that she said about myself, and about too much care that has done me harm, I knew. But how to deal with and get over all his cheating and unfaithfulness, when she said it happened, but he keeps on denying everything? Honestly, I hoped that she would not say that...But the truth is cruel. And that I need to go in for martial arts, get away from here, meet the man who will love me and have children with him, because all that is here is not my destiny... That maybe sounds like all I wished for long ago, and I've been thinking about that a lot, but not now when I don't imagine cutting myself away from the person I think I'll always love, and separating from all my friends, and all the life that I'm used to...

It's so hard to understand that I need to stop playing these childish games and survive in the real world... I don't want to forget all that I've been through... I feel like my head is gonna burst and I have no one on my side, to trust in and to rely on... I've lost so much time and I knew it too! I don't know what to do, where to start! Is it true that I'm special? That I can do whatever is interesting and important for me, all the things I consider wonderful and dangerous, without being afraid to perish or fail? If I only could turn my fate in such a way that he could be the one who's meant for me, and we could leave this country for a better future, together... How can I hold back from revealing my feelings to him? And is there a reason to conceal it all? If I only knew what to do in order not to make new terrible mistakes!!! In theory, I can have all I wish, I can make all my dreams come true... I have some big mission to complete, but maybe God was wrong to entrust it to me and I'm gonna mess it up... In practice, there are only lost opportunities, and it’s killing me day by day…

Transcendence... the movie I had watched right before I met her, is it all connected? Are there signs which I don't see? This totally blows my mind...