Only you could save me, but you won't...

When I look into your big brown eyes, I drown in them. So I try not to look too long, in order to stay alive.
When you smile, your face shines.
When you dance you're so funny, but I like it.
When you speak, I like to listen to your voice, no matter what you say. Even those dirty jokes...
You drive me crazy. When I stand close to you, I yearn to touch you, to hug you, but I can't.
I wonder if it shows, if you can read it in my eyes...
I know you don't care.
But I miss you. It is the hope to meet you sometimes that keeps me alive.
I wish I could tell you how wonderful you are, but I'm so afraid...

Petrified Heart

Вот сейчас рылась в своих старых тетрадях и нашла стихи, написанные мною еще в 2003 году. Я помню свое состояние в тот момент. Читая их, понимаю, что эти слова для меня до боли актуальны. Всегда... А один из куплетов, который я перенесла в конец, является немного перефразированным припевом песни Linkin Park "In The End":

Зачем любить, когда тебя не любят?
Зачем спешить, когда тебя не ждут?
Зачем страдать? Жалеть никто не будет,
Тебя забудут, бросят, предадут.

И все те силы, что напрасно тратишь,
И все те дни, что в никуда идут -
Когда-нибудь об этом ты заплачешь,
И слезы горькие на землю упадут.

Но он не вспомнит и не пожалеет,
И к каменному сердцу не прижмет,
И мысль одна становится яснее,
О том, что все когда-нибудь пройдет.

Но эта боль в твоей душе надолго.
Зачем взлетать, коль суждено упасть?
Зачем же редко - хорошо, а чаще плохо?
Кому-то нравится спасать, кому-то - убивать.

А для кого-то эти все слова пустые,
Я для него наивное дитя,
Я повзрослею. И когда-нибудь остыну,
Быть может, год, а может, и сто лет спустя.

Я так старалась. И чего же я добилась?
Все это слишком далеко зашло.
Но я упала и всего лишилась.
В конце концов, ведь будет все равно.

This was the last day of summer. And maybe the last summer for me... Because I'm going insane, I'm losing my mind. This time for real. I don't know what to do. I cannot control it. And nobody will be there for me. No one will help. I try to cling onto life, but life doesn't need me. I'm sick. Like my brother was. I cannot escape from sharing his fate. I promised to survive, but now... I'm scared. I'm falling apart...

I love you as if I was a little girl... My vain hopes were dispelled when I saw you and her together, there is no place for me in your life... But the sight of you gives me the shivers, I'm burning and seething inside... It's like when I hear the song that makes me wanna fly... And then I wish I could embrace you and tell you how much you mean to me, but I can't... This would only make it worse, I would lose you forever and couldn't look you in the eye anymore... You don't have feelings for me... Never mind... It's ok if she makes you happy... I'm just afraid something bad might happen to you, I think I worry about you...

Sometimes you just can't believe that these things really happened to you. Like when you get off the bus at 10p.m. and sit down on the bench near your house about to smoke a cigarette before going home, Mute Math playing in your earphones, and suddenly someone approaches you and asks for money. You tell him to leave you alone, and he punches you in the face several times and grabs your handbag. You try to fight and he smothers you. First you scream for help and he lets go of you. You run, but then turn round and see him running away, and then you understand you can't lose your documents for the third time - which are in the purse. So you follow him, knowing that he may beat you again or even kill you. And you implore him to just take the money and give back your things, because it's very important to you. You forget about fear, you don't give up, and at that very moment you don't feel the pain, don't think about danger, don't even realize how courageous you can be... And you win. You get it back. And only as he disappears, you burst into tears. You cry over your weakness, and because it's over now. You understand how lucky you are, and it could have been worse than that... He took your money and cigarettes, but it's ok. But you are in a state of shock and nearly hysterical. Some people you don't know heard everything and try to find him, but you ask them not to bother. Actually, he did not need your purse, he would throw it out anyway, because he just needed money - he's probably a drug addict or something. You need to calm down, so that your parents cannot notice anything, including your bleeding lip. And tomorrow morning you're gonna go to the clinic and then to work, where you should not let it show. You need to talk to someone... But in fact, you remember that nobody cares. 

In the morning you wake up and replay that incident in your mind. You can't believe that could happen to you, but a fat lip is the evidence, and it hurts to move your jaw. 
That's what happened to me yesterday. As predicted, circumstances are starting to make it hard for me to survive here...

So I came back yesterday, after 9 p.m., sunburnt and red, with my skin aching and burning, so I could hardly walk. After the all-day rain, I tried to get a tan in a couple of hours, and that's what I have now. I had to rub myself with sour cream, but it was of little help. And I'm only partially tanned... Plus the same problem appeared again - the one that I cured about a month ago... I just don't know where all this shit comes from, I'm fucking plagued by it half of my life!
I think we had a good time in Berdyansk with Alena and the homeowners that we stayed with, but I can't say I was in raptures, as I'm always in a sullen mood ever since I was betrayed and deceived. Moreover, my fear of water, my antiquated swimsuit and inability to swim make me frustrated and unwilling to come to the beach.
Reflecting upon changing my life before it's too late, I even thought about going to the university which she is entering, to become a specialist in computer technology, but then there were so many buts, that I'd better forget about second higher education forever. For such an inactive and dull person like me - I will not last more than a year; besides, I'm already too old, and being among the teenagers will make me even more depressed and full of self-loathing. Probably, this is not my way...
I did not go to work today, because it hurts me to walk. But tomorrow I must be there...
I just spent 2 days in another place, five hours' journey from here, but now it's the same old story.
I feel like I hate everything.

I don't have time. I can't get anything done. I really hate myself. Everything seems to go wrong. They did not want to see me yesterday, I have no chance...

I'm going crazy... It was yet another bad joke today: when I finally decided to have my car washed, although I had very little money left - and within a second after they finished the washing, it started to rain! Which means it is dirty again.

However, I'm going to Berdyansk tomorrow morning with Alena. I hope I will come back safe... And I put on flesh once again - how can I show my awful body on the beach?

Planes crash, the war is on, my head is in a muddle, I'm sick of everything... Die, fucking Russia!!!

I need to discontinue "relationship" with that bastard who almost beats me up and wipes the floor with me for the hundredth time and then says he loves me and pretends he's sorry! God, I wanna weep him out and vomit him up, make him pay for what he's done and find a way to move on... Why don't I deserve someone to save me from this shit and truly love me? I'm too straightforward and fair, this is my problem... That's why I'm not appreciated, and I have to give up the idea of winning the heart of the one I think I love...

Loser in fact

I keep losing my purse and losing in football lottery. It looks like some malicious joke! Well, the purse was found, but I had to pay again, this time for a taxi, and Germany won the championship - so I felt happy and blessed as I heard about it in the morning, but then it turned out that the goal scored during additional time is not considered as option 1. So my second attempt was a washout. It's ridiculous. Where's my good luck that she had promised??
I'm better at driving someone else's car than my own. Isn't it strange and ironic? It's the second time that I get behind the wheel of unfamiliar car and though it seems uncomfortable, I even manage to park perfectly, which is not the case with mine!
I'm still a bit hung-over after the night before... I said I would write here every day, but it doesn't seem to work out .
Very soon I will have to tell Alena that my plan to go to Berdyansk with her is canceled. I simply don't have money, and now I'm reluctant anyway.
I can't get those predictions out of my head. But after all these events, I am disheartened and have much less hope to win him over...

Coffee-grounds say I'm a winner...

What she told me is enough for me to go crazy. I need to calm down. I will never forget this day... Maybe I'm not supposed to talk about it here, but now I've nobody to talk to...

I don't have future here - and I knew that. All that she said about myself, and about too much care that has done me harm, I knew. But how to deal with and get over all his cheating and unfaithfulness, when she said it happened, but he keeps on denying everything? Honestly, I hoped that she would not say that...But the truth is cruel. And that I need to go in for martial arts, get away from here, meet the man who will love me and have children with him, because all that is here is not my destiny... That maybe sounds like all I wished for long ago, and I've been thinking about that a lot, but not now when I don't imagine cutting myself away from the person I think I'll always love, and separating from all my friends, and all the life that I'm used to...

It's so hard to understand that I need to stop playing these childish games and survive in the real world... I don't want to forget all that I've been through... I feel like my head is gonna burst and I have no one on my side, to trust in and to rely on... I've lost so much time and I knew it too! I don't know what to do, where to start! Is it true that I'm special? That I can do whatever is interesting and important for me, all the things I consider wonderful and dangerous, without being afraid to perish or fail? If I only could turn my fate in such a way that he could be the one who's meant for me, and we could leave this country for a better future, together... How can I hold back from revealing my feelings to him? And is there a reason to conceal it all? If I only knew what to do in order not to make new terrible mistakes!!! In theory, I can have all I wish, I can make all my dreams come true... I have some big mission to complete, but maybe God was wrong to entrust it to me and I'm gonna mess it up... In practice, there are only lost opportunities, and it’s killing me day by day…

Transcendence... the movie I had watched right before I met her, is it all connected? Are there signs which I don't see? This totally blows my mind...

So now I'll be trying to write here something every day. I don't feel like creating a new blog at any other hosting, because I prefer to remain loyal to this one, which I've had for 8 years. I just thought about expressing my thoughts in something like a diary, which could be read not only by me - although I doubt that anyone ever reads this blog, but at least this is what will remain when I'm gone... however, who cares.

Yesterday I staked 100 UAH on Netherlands team that played in semifinal, and I lost. Am I disappointed? Well, I guess I had sensed that I wouldn't be lucky this time, but still I did it. Like I always do when I know I'm gonna lose... But this bad luck is so insignificant that I don't wanna dwell upon it.  What really matters is the fact that nothing happens in my life. I mean, nothing pleasant or thrilling. Because of my scars, because of my stupid behavior and constant depressive style, and many awful things I said and did, which are irreversible, I've probably became repulsive for many people and made my own life a lonely misery. Now there is no one left to come and save me anymore... And I don't wanna be a trouble for anyone. Lately I've been listening to God Is An Astronaut, this wonderful ambient music that I like to plunge into, without any words or screams, just images that allow me to be carried away, to travel in space and time... This perfect alienation, estrangement, I dissolve in it, feeling so at home, so painfully good... And I think about you, I remember you singing yesterday... I didn't care if it wasn't well enough, I just felt dizzy and I wanted to sing along with you but I was afraid and shy, no matter how drunk I was... Later I will listen to that song and recall those moments of sitting close to you, talking bullshit, and suffer because perhaps I will never be able to say all that I feel to your face, the more so because you don't need this truth, you don't care, and it shows everytime I see you or write to you... It's been 4 years, and apparently I'll never stop feeling this for you, it's just impossible to stop a feeling that was so strong and deep, I think I've never loved anyone more than I've loved you... It's understandable that I'm unworthy of being yours, but that will never prevent me from dreaming... I'll be alone, because I'm not able to fall in love with someone else, therefore I don't want to make attempts to start anything new. And you... Do you feel the same about her? Are you waiting for her?.. I hope you will find a mutual love...

Ты приходишь в мои сны

Ты приходишь в мои сны – зачем?

Мне ведь так не по себе от них…

Не хочу я говорить ни с кем,

И не надо никаких других.

Ты прости, не подам виду,

И не стану тебя тревожить.

Я не вправе держать обиду,

Только сердце тоска гложет.

Я устала от лжи и боли,

Знаю, будет еще хуже…

Я бы чувствам дала волю,

Но разве это тебе нужно?

Я хотела бы стать камнем,

И смотреть на все равнодушно…

Не пытаться нарушить молчанье,

И исчезнуть, когда это нужно.

Не знают

Они ничего не знают,

Что ждет их там, в пустоте.

Они ничего не знают,

Идут, покорившись судьбе.

Они строят планы, мечтают,

Предают, разбивают сердца.

Сожалея потом, вспоминают,

Но не будет ошибкам конца.

Они ставят крест на прошлом,

Стремятся жить нынешним днем.

Они думать хотят о хорошем,

Но помнят всегда о плохом.

Им нормы велят улыбаться,

Эмоции, чувства скрывать.

Привыкли они притворяться,

И учатся больше молчать.

Гордо шагают по краю,

Однако не вечен их путь.

Они ничего не знают,

А знаю ли я что-нибудь?

Страшный сон

Почему так тяжело дышать?

Так несносно слышать пенье птиц?

Вновь бороться, чтоб не сделать шаг,

Устремившись головою вниз…

И не в первый, и не в сотый раз

Эта боль сжимает горло мне,

И до дыр зачитанный рассказ

О еще одной утраченной весне…

Не добавить больше новых фраз,

Я сыта по горло этим "сном".

Не случится ничего сейчас,

Не случится ничего потом…

Что же хочешь ты, моя душа?

И на что надеешься опять?

Может, лучше просто сделать шаг,

Чем всю жизнь на месте простоять?

Тот огонь уж мертв, не воскресить…

Не нарушить злую тишину.

Я не знаю, где же взять мне сил -

Выдержать еще одну весну…

Все слова бессильны и пусты,

Не изменят времени закон.

Не спасет никто от темноты

Мою жизнь – короткий страшный сон…